# What it's like to struggle with emotions _Disclaimer: I am not officially diagnosed with alexithymia, but these have been my experiences since childhood and I don't think there's anything else it could be. I have taken an assessment at [Embrace-Autism.com](https://embrace-autism.com/online-alexithymia-questionnaire/) and have scored a 153, which is 40 points over the threshold of 113, indicating that it's very likely I have alexithymia._ Studies show that at least 40% of autistic people have alexithymia and that percentage may even be as high as 70%. Before beginning, I should also note that I've not been professionally diagnosed with autism and if you'd like, you can read [[Why I've Decided NOT to get a Professional Diagnosis (for now)]] before reading this to get a better understanding of where I'm coming from. Now, where to actually begin...hmmm. I suppose I should explain what alexithymia actually is. Basically, it's being unable to experience, express, or identify emotions normally. So, let's break each of those things down. Being unable to *experience* emotions normally could mean anything from not being able to experience certain emotions at all, to experiencing emotions in limited ways like only physically (crying, laughing, racing heart, etc.) without knowing why those physical things are happening. Being unable to *express* emotions normally could mean feeling them on the inside without showing them on the outside or being unable to smile when you're happy. It could also mean not being able to describe the emotion you're feeling at the moment. Being unable to *identify* emotions normally could mean you're unable to connect what's going on in your body or mind to an emotion you know exists. It could also mean being unable to identify what emotions other people are experiencing by looking at them. The above statements are just examples, I'm sure there are other ways alexithymia can present. For me, I envision my emotions as mysterious buckets in a dark room. Each bucket is a different size and sits beneath a spigot. I can't tell which bucket is which or how full it is, but if a bucket overflows, I can finally experience that emotion. Additionally, there are missing buckets. Empty spaces sitting beneath a dripping spigot that represent certain emotions I've never felt. For now, let's talk about the buckets that do exist. I seem to have a pretty small happiness bucket, which means it overflows easily and I can experience happiness more often. However, I seem to have a very large anger bucket, which means this one doesn't overflow as often and therefore I rarely experience anger. That combination seems to make me a pretty positive person to be around. Sadness seems to change in size based on my hormones, but we won't get too deep into _that_ conversation. My anxiety bucket has either been steadily growing in size, or the spigot just hasn't been turned on as often. (I don't really know for sure, as the room is dark.) When I do finally experience an emotion (the bucket overflows/tips over) I have a hard time expressing and identifying many of the negative emotions like anger and sadness. The positive ones tend to be easier for me to identify, but sometimes expressing them is difficult and I think that's because those buckets are so small that they don't have as big of an impact on me as a larger one like sadness (sometimes) or anger does. As for the buckets that are missing, they would have labels like "Jealousy" and "Loneliness." For whatever reason, these buckets have apparently been removed from the room as I've never really felt these emotions. There have been tiny, fleeting pangs of one of these emotions, which I would blame on the slow, slow drip of the spigot above the empty spot. Even when my ex-bf cheated on me with his ex, I felt no jealousy. My anger bucket slightly overflowed, but a few weeks later, he and I were just friends again. As for loneliness, I don't know why I've never felt it. In fact, I didn't realize until recently that it was actually an _emotion_. I thought it was a state of being...like actually being alone with no one around you, but apparently you can still be lonely when surrounded by others. As far as I can tell, this spigot has never dripped and is dry as a bone. You might say, "Well, that's good! You don't have to experience those negative emotions like other people!" But imagine being on this planet for 36 years and never experiencing the FULL range of human emotions. Are you even human if you can't experience every emotion a human is supposed to experience? Existential crisis aside, it's also _really_ hard to write fiction when you have trouble describing emotions...like _really_ hard. I love writing fiction, but I know my stories lack that emotional connection that people crave when they read, and that something I really struggle with. Writing has been something I've always enjoyed, but knowing I have that deficit is a huge de-motivator when it comes to actually publishing my fiction stories. I'm sure there's so much more I could write on this topic, but I think saving those for future anecdotes would be wise at this point. If I do write up some related anecdotes, I'll link them here.