# Through a neurodivergent lens Recently, I've been watching youtube videos of a family that regularly vlogs their life as they support their non-vocal autistic daughter. During one particular video, her therapist had just arrived (after the girl had already been to school) and the parents, therapist, and the daughter were all gathered in the kitchen. At some point, the mother reaches over to fix the sleeve on the shirt her daughter is wearing. Immediately, she started pulling away and vocalizing. Later in the video, with the camera pulled away to keep her privacy in this emotional moment intact, you can hear the mom trying to calm her as the teen slaps her hands on her legs and vocalizes some more. Eventually, she calms down and the parents and therapist try to figure out what happened, but give up without much thought or effort even though it's all on video and clearly documented. As an autistic person, I can tell you exactly why she "got mad," as they say. She didn't want to be touched. When mom was messing with her sleeve, she clearly pulled away, but mom kept at it. I know this because I too have acted this way before (perhaps to a lesser extent, but the same emotion was present) because I've been overwhelmed after a long day, looking at more things that I need to do before I can rest, and someone has just added to that overwhelm by touching me. If I'm overwhelmed, I need space, not people hovering all around me, touching me, asking me what's wrong, telling me to calm down, etc. Personal space is extremely important to many autistic people especially when they're overwhelmed. Before she fully calmed down and before the parents and therapist tried to figure out what brought on the "tantrum" as they called it, I physically cringed when the camera panned back to mom standing right in front of the autistic teen her with her back pressed against the counter. Bodily autonomy is important--especially as an autistic person. It is really hard to watch people crowd around this teen when she's clearly on the brink of a "tantrum" or clearly trying to communicate that she needs space (which isn't the same thing as needing a break, fyi). In almost every video I've watched on this channel I've seen this sort of corralling of her (touching her shoulders, pushing her one way or another, grabbing her arms, etc.) when she's doing something and that can be very frustrating and triggering. In one video, the father leaves the room while the teen is about to do chores. He comes back and is astounded that she's doing it herself without him following her around and telling her every step. I believe this would happen more often if they just gave her space, but all the hovering and crowding is just insane and extremely counter-intuitive, in my opinion. With many autistic people you have to be a little more patient when you're asking them to do something and you can't force or expect them them to do it right that second and at the pace you expect. Sometimes we just need a minute to wrap our head around something and to plan out the steps in our head before we begin. This is why routines and knowing what is expected to happen works so well for us. When we have that sequence of events already and we don't have to plan it out beforehand, we can just begin working from that framework immediately. But, when you push us to go at your pace rather than our own, you're interrupting the planning that's happening in our heads. That is frustrating and causes us to stray from the path our brain is on and sometimes get lost. Choices are also important and I don't see much of that in these videos either. It seems like most of her life is decided for her and she doesn't get to decide when she needs a specific thing like downtime or food or whatever. Her schedule seems to revolve around the family schedule and doing chores rather than around her needs and wants because she can't voice those except by using a tablet to express when she wants to eat or when she wants to go to the bathroom or other limited things. And sometimes she clearly uses "I need to go to the bathroom" or the sign for "break" at times when she's exhausted or overwhelmed, but she can't say "I'm exhausted and overwhelmed" because that's not an option on her tablet (as far as I have seen.) When I was younger, there were parts of my life that were like that and in order to try and change that at least temporarily, I would pretend to be sick just so I could make things stop and do what I wanted to do for a little while. This would happen when I was socially exhausted, mentally overwhelmed, or both. Apparently, it's a form of [[Demand Avoidance - My Brand]]. But, it's hard for people who aren't autistic to see this stuff. It's hard for people who aren't autistic to understand that sometimes we *do* want hugs or physical touch and other times that's the last thing on earth we want. It's hard for people who aren't autistic to pick up on the subtleties of an autistic person's actions and what they truly mean. Even as a vocal autistic who has gone through most of life not knowing I was autistic, I still sometimes can't find words and instead use my actions because my mouth and my body aren't in sync. I can't imagine how frustrating it would be for a non-vocal person with autism to not be able to communicate that they just need space and to please stop hovering and being in that personal space bubble.